Welcome Back! Now that the holidays are over we are now able to get back to the grind. Over the break I have had the opportunity of speaking with several women and men regarding a very sore topic. Failure. More specifically, if my marriage or relationship has failed or is failing, am I a failure?
I have taken some time to think about this. Of course in any relationship, there is no one person that is 100% to blame. Now, there may not be an equal amount of blame between the 2 parties but there is definitely always room for improvement and the opportunity to move forward on both ends.
I have recently found out that both women and men, after the failing of a relationship, if they truly cared for the individual, goes through a sort of recovery. It could be rebuilding a life, credit, self esteem, personal relationships, employment and just a vast slew of things but ultimately, everyone must go back and individualistically look at who they truly are. Those who are successful in moving on, will understand their faults within the relationship and work on them so that they are not carrying baggage to another relationship or harboring hard feelings that, if children are involved, can then indirectly affect them.
I realized that in some ways we blame ourselves. More importantly we must recognize that sometimes people are placed in our lives for a season. The season, no matter what it entails, is an opportunity for growth. Every relationship we give some of ourselves into it. This is the reason why afterwards, there is some sort of void. The goal is that we learn as we continuously grow, to fill the void with self love, self growth, self honesty and learning to be our true, authentic selves. We have to learn to understand who we are, our character and be real with ourselves. We are unable to be 100% what the other person wants, if that was true there would be no arguments in any relationship but we are always 2 individuals coming together for a common goal and fulfill a need.
Are you a failure? No. Did you make a mistake? No. You made a decision that led to a host of other decisions. Is there the opportunity to change? Yes. Can you do it? Only if you want to.
I recognize that we cannot force or will change to or on anyone. If that individual does not want to change in a positive way, it's not always due to you not changing, it's due to the fact that they may not to change and this is what leads to failed marriages and relationships. The inability to change in a given situation or situations that then causes a downward spiral of negativity, anger, bitterness, rash decisions and failure.
From the conversations that I have had, I took from it that before ANYONE moves on to the next person, forgive, let go and shake loose all the bags and baggage from the other relationship. Cry if you have to. Scream if you have to. Work out if you have to. Go to Christ if you have to. It's okay to seek counseling if its necessary. You need to look in the mirror and know that even though your marriage/relationship failed... YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.
Everyday is the opportunity to change your life. Do it! Bitterness looks good on NO ONE. If you have tried to reconcile but you are both at crossroads, have an intelligent conversation about it and then resolve it or resolve the issues. The choice is yours but YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!
Until next time, keep doing great things.